Clearing the Dust: How to Identify Values That Matter

"I am not what I think I am, and I am not what you think I am. I am what I think you think I am." – Charles Horton Cooley.

Introduction: A Dusty Reflection

Modern life pulls us in every direction. From early childhood, we learn to mold ourselves around the expectations of others—teachers, parents, and friends. It’s like standing before a dusty mirror, trying to see who we are but only catching a blurry reflection clouded by opinions and outside noise.

We will explore how external influences—social media, societal norms, and even the people closest to us—shape our values and identity. Often, the loudest voices drown out what matters most to us. But when we clear away the noise, we see ourselves more clearly and align our actions with our true values.

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The Problem: External Noise Shapes Identity

Growing up, I absorbed other people’s expectations without realizing it. I spent my entire life being told who I should be—either an athlete or someone destined for trouble. When basketball ended for me, I felt lost because I had built my identity entirely around it.

I still remember sitting in in-school suspension in the eighth grade, telling a teacher that I would turn things around when I got to high school. Her response? “You won’t. You won’t even make it to graduation.”

She was right—I didn’t graduate high school. I took on that identity without questioning it. It was as if someone handed me a script and told me that was the role I had to play. And like many of us, I kept acting out a part I never chose for myself.

In Think Like a Monk, Jay Shetty talks about how society distorts our values. From childhood praise and criticism to the endless scroll of social media, our sense of who we are becomes entangled with what others want us to be. TV shows glamorize toxic behaviors, and social media fuels a constant comparison game. This external noise clouds our reflection, like dust covering a mirror, making it hard to see what we truly value.

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Clearing the Dust: Space for Reflection

In Think Like a Monk, Shetty shares a powerful lesson he learned from Gauranga Das, a senior monk. He describes being taken to a dusty mirror in an old storeroom. At first, the mirror showed nothing but dust and cobwebs. Only after Das wiped it clean did Shetty see his reflection.

This is a metaphor for life: our identity is often hidden beneath layers of external influences. Clearing the dust—our mental clutter—can sting like the dust in the monk’s demonstration. But only by removing these distractions can we see who we are.

This process called ceto-darpaṇamārjanam in ancient Hindu teachings, involves clearing the impure mirror of the mind. It takes effort, but reflection helps us reconnect with what matters most.

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Practical Ways to Tune Out the Noise

Clearing mental clutter isn’t easy, but it’s essential. Here are some strategies to help you begin:

• Daily Reflection: Spend a few moments each day journaling or thinking through your emotions. Ask yourself, "What mattered most today?"

• Break Routine: Explore new places—whether it’s a park, library, or café—to disrupt automatic thinking and spark fresh insights.

• Engage in Meaningful Activities: Find a hobby or volunteer for a cause that resonates with your core values. Doing things that matter to you reinforces your sense of self.

Many of us avoid silence and self-reflection. A UVA and Harvard study found that people preferred electric shocks over sitting quietly with their thoughts. This shows how uncomfortable it can be to face ourselves. But avoiding silence leaves us disconnected from our deeper values.

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Exercises to Practice Throughout the Week

These exercises, adapted from Jay Shetty’s Think Like a Monk, are designed to help you reflect, reconnect, and align with your true values throughout the week.

1. Try This: Where Did Your Values Come From?
Family, society, and the media influence values, often without us realizing it. This exercise will help you identify which values you’ve inherited and which ones genuinely resonate with you.

• Write down some values that shape your life (Kindness, Money, Looks).

• Next to each value, jot down its origin (Parent, Media, School).

• Put a checkmark next to the values that feel authentically yours.

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2. Try This: Audit Your Time
Spend a week tracking how much time you devote to different areas: family, friends, health, and self-care.

• Compare the time you spend with your personal values. Does your schedule reflect what you care about most?

• If not, ask yourself why. Are you prioritizing things that matter less to you?

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3. Try This: Reflect on Past Choices
Think about the three best and three worst decisions you’ve made in your life.

• Why did you make those choices?

• What did you learn from them?

• How would you approach them differently today?

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4. Try This: Value-Driven Decisions
For the next week, pause before spending money or making plans for your free time. Ask yourself, "What value is driving this choice?"

• This pause helps you make more deliberate, value-aligned decisions.

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5. Try This: Companion Audit
Over a week, track the people you spend the most time with. Next to each name, list the values you share.

• Are the people you spend time with aligned with your values?

• Are there adjustments you need to make to surround yourself with people who reflect what matters most to you?

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Identifying and Aligning with Authentic Values

Values are the principles that act as our internal compass, guiding decisions and relationships. As Shetty emphasizes, not all values are created equal. Higher values—like compassion, gratitude, and integrity—elevate us. Lower values—such as status, wealth, or approval—trap us in cycles of anxiety and frustration.

Take a moment to reflect: Do your actions align with the values you believe in? For example, if you say family matters most but spend all your time chasing career success, there’s a disconnect. When our actions don’t reflect our priorities, it creates tension and discontent.

Shetty offers a powerful practice for realignment:
"Does this reflect my chosen values or those others have chosen for me? Is this dust, or is it me?"

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Conclusion: Begin Clearing the Dust

Clearing away the mental clutter allows you to reconnect with your true self. When your actions align with your authentic values, life feels more peaceful and rewarding, even if it means letting go of habits or relationships that no longer serve you.

Here’s my challenge:
Take a moment today to reflect. Spend five minutes in silence. Ask yourself: What truly matters to me? Start filtering out the external noise and discover the values guiding you to a life of meaning.

It may be uncomfortable at first. But the effort is worth it, like the monk wiping the mirror clean. Your genuine reflection is waiting.